See Amanda. See Amanda jump. See Amanda jump on the wagon, run on the treadmill, lift the barbell, lift the donut, pound the cheeseburger and steal her daughter’s fruit snacks.
See Amanda crash the wagon, splinter it into a thousand pieces and set it on fire.
See Amanda walk away from the rubble - slow-motion Tarantino style - and try again.
[What? I like drama.]
As you may have guessed, progress has been slow. So slow that in fact, there’s a new little notion I like to call Reverse Progress, which means I’ve gained three pounds since I started this mission. God, someone please get this girl some help…
Things were really stressful for a really long time at my job and now I’ve moved into a new position with my company where the stress and pressure levels are starting to even out. During the mayhem, I just told myself I couldn’t focus on anything but getting through what I needed to do for my job and consequently everything else went to Hell in a hand basket. The problem with that strategy, though, is just like waiting until “Monday” to start a diet, or to “get through the holidays” to that magical New Year’s Day where everything automatically gets better because we’ve flipped the page on our calendars. It kinda sorta 100% DOES. NOT. WORK.
I’m like that though - wait for everything to be perfect before I can go on to the next perfect thing. We can’t invite anyone over because the house isn’t clean. We can’t have a party in the backyard because we need new fuses in the light strings for that perfect “party atmosphere”. I can’t get new clothes though I desperately need them because I should wait until my body is amazing before I spend the money. I spend a lot of time plotting greatness without really giving myself the chance to achieve that greatness because it is extremely hard for me to live in the moment. To be where I am now, to acknowledge where my life is, where my health is, what my body looks like and to move forward from that point. I like to wait for things to get better before I’m willing to try to MAKE them better because I’m too afraid I won’t get that perfection I seek and never, ever come close to. Putting in the work is too scary for me because what if I work my ass off and look – there’s my ass. It’s still there. It’s a terrible way to live, to not be willing to try from fear. Fear of looking like an idiot, fear of letting myself down again, fear of actually succeeding…
Today is Friday. It’s the tenth of October and to my knowledge, not a very significant day. My house is a mess, my party light fuses are still shot and though I’m so much happier in my job, I’m going to be figuring out my new position for a long time to come. Things never are nor will they ever be perfect. A week ago I got a pair of Converse All-Stars. I need new clothes but the only parts of my body I’m willing to try something new on these days are my feet and my head. So canvas tennis shoes made the cut, and man, are they cool. As I have felt so not cool for a very long time, I thought I’d better leave them in my closet until whatever factors needed to come together to create the perfect scenario to wear these perfect shoes. But I saw them today, peeking out from the darkness, just begging me to give them a try. Wear them now, own it now, own who I am now. Move forward from here and do not wait. So I laced them up and headed out the door because yeah, I’m not going to. I’m not going to wait.
Oh, my new wagon just pulled up. Time to get back on.
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